Of Writer’s Block…and Nairobi Dendai March 3, 2009

I know…i know…before we go any further, Dendai is very recent slang for chicks. and people wonder why the third world is fucked up. now my certifiably insane pal, Jk, just posted this note on Facebook and i had to share.

Caution: note is in extreme SMS language, and the slang…well..

but i laughed my ass off. this is what i do when i can’t think of my own shit to write.

enjoy!

25 random facts about Nairobi girls

1.Nairobi babes are becoming more classy. Its a slow process but as Jay-z says we guys have got nothing but time.Theyve started dressing better,no more jeans wt prints,explicitly fake stunners,dont use cheap braids,o evn those silly red panties.Theyv even reduced on those 100bob shoes they nunua outside kenya cinema
2.They dont watch sports but yet they hang out a lot in sports bars. If they actually know anythng bout the big teams Chelsea,Man U,Liverpool o Aston villa, ts usually the hot guys o da star players. If a Nbi babe juaz alot bout a team ts usually coz o a boyfriend who made them get interested o maybe a bro o dad who used to hog the remote to watch football
3.Whenever a guy who dug them refuses to love them,o simply badmouthed them,,they counter wt stupid things like he has a small prick ama hez pathetic in bed to try reduce the guys ego.Guys dont care anymore even if hz sex was bad the fact that hez dishd u will always put u below him.sex was made for men.the babe is never the do-er but always the do-ee.
4.Many light skinned babes r overrated because of their color. Some r not even hot.there r more hot light than dark skinned babes but when u pata a hot dark babe she really is hot.
5.The main reason some who ogopa black ice n drink red ice z coz they ogopa gettin high n horny n be chipsed eventually
6.4babes who operate in cliques,Extremely hot babes dont walk together. Usually ts an xtremely hot babe n one whose not xtremely hot. Its almost as if there cannot be two centres o power,one cannot take the backseat n watch da ada share.they usually end up fallin out usually over a guy
7.Once they start goin out with a guy with a car o who can afford cabs ts very hard 4them to go to a guy who uses javs,walks aka Footsubishi o Legsus..cant blame the sisters life z all about progression
8.They have alot o artificial friendships. A clique o galz looks like the closest o friends.but once u start goin out wit one o em n shz open wt u,u realize dat da tension z hidden.infact usually one o ur babes palz u talk2ha secretly via facebook inbox
9.when they having a thing with a guy who has a babe, they try to convince the guy to leave his babe..never do that guys,unless u so lucky n u were born on christmas o feb29th that babe will pull the same shit on u wit another guy
10.many will lose many friends if their facebook inbox is put in the public
11.They wreck chipo o clandeh when they tuma that dreaded text.WHERE do we stand now?o so whats goin on between us?
12. They love chumz.be it an eastlando babe,an uptown babe o an indepent woman they love chumz(very many but not all)
13. On an average,NAIROAI babes r poor dancers. They lucky even the guys on an average r poor dancers.
14.they can drink a lot problem they start revealing too much info when high
15.A Nairobi babe can lie to u without even twitching. Thats dangerous
16. In reference to no.15 if u hitting on a nbi babe shel tell u as much as u ‘deserve’ to be told. If u asking her if shez a virgin shel even lie to u shez1 so u go slow on the approach o give up. If u dont jua who has kulad her shel lie to u shez da rship type
17.some are ashamed o the schools they went to o even where they live.u ask one where do u live she be like i live in kasa but we have another house in lavi. Jus say where ure a toothbrush is am jus tryn to find out how far ur dgz is from mine
18.they are very ashamed in the mnrning after been chibod and end up staying in the room doing shit like arranging the magazines n books tidying up
19.they drunk dial exes when….high
20. They fear goin seriouscy out wt pointies coz theyl be played
21.Their accents change dramatically when they on air or on Tv
22.they competitive sana they notice if a chic has repeated jeans or even her nails hv chipped thngs guys dont even notice
23.they fear dating celebs lest they be labelled groupies
24.they dont fall in love.they get too comfortable with the lifestyle n thnk they in love
25.when they borrow ure celly to look at ur pics,media n tones no matter how chonjo u r somehow theyl get into ya inbox

Warning…Falling Object December 18, 2008

Now everyone who knows me….even marginally…will attest to the fact that i am the world’s biggest klutz. As in, i should be the poster child for Murphy’s Law. I’m so clumsy that my own mother does not trust me with washing the good china…not that i’m complaining..ha! You know the movie named “A series of  unfortunate events”? story of my life i tell you. i have more embarassing moments than the average Britney “i flash my vagina” Spears.

The most recent one was a couple of days ago. i had just gotten off the jav and was strolling to work. So i approach this kiosk where i by my sodas and airtime from on the regular. Now at any given time, there are like 15 hungry looking men sitting outside the kiosk watching life pass them by. So being a vain female, i added a little swagger to my walk as i approached the gaggle of men, hoping to impress.  This is the point where effing Murphy and his law came into play. i tripped over my own feet and cluttered to the ground. As i hit the round, a cloud of dust rose into the air. A profound silence ensued. Then some ASSHOLE goes like…”pole auntie”. Fuck a pole! pretend i’m not there!! Jesus!

This isn’t even the most embarrassing falling episode. I was at the Mobil near digz with my pretty boy friend Bee, getting pizza…terrific tuesday style. So we get our pizza, enjoy them without anything untoward happening. Now i wanted to buy a coupla sodas so Bee and i could go to his crib and imbibe copious amounts of alcohol, and me being the cheap azz Kuyo woman that i am, used the bottles we had just consumed to get more sodas…no deposit please!! So i gather up the bottles into my arms and start to walk into the store. As i approached the entrance, it happened. i slipped on the slight slope and fell in slow motion. As i made contact with the ground, the bottles i was carrying made a really loud clinking sound….so the people who didn’t see me fall certainly heard me. Sigh. And we all know how packed Mobil gets during a terrific Tuesday. And again…some idiot had to come up to me and say, at the top of his luings, no less, “Madam! Umeanguka?” No, dickwad, just decided to do a spot of sunbathing. So thanks to Enstein, the two people who were unaware that i had made a spectacle of myself now were!!

Moral of the story. When anyone falls in public, act like they’re invisible!

Of thigh friction and camel toe November 13, 2008

yesterday i was talking to my workmate…lets call her Lil T…as we were walking to get some lunch. then she goes “Damn, i must be gaining weight, cos my thighs have just started rubbing together when i walk.” Hilarity ensued. so after i picked myself off the floor, i informed her that my thighs are best friends…in constant contact with every step i take. Now you have to understand, Lil T is what some people like to call petite. i just think that she’s slightly smaller than some strains of bacteria. I on the other hand, am a woman of, shall we say, ample proportions. so i got to thinking about this whole body image thing. see, women are soo different. T can tell when she’s gaining weight due to the sudden onset of such horrifying symptoms as thigh friction. me, such things only occur to me when i start getting charged double fare in matatus and being asked when the baby is due. forget thigh friction…on a good day the walk from the office to Nakumatt can result in a bushfire. someone very wise once told me to appreciate the body i have in my twenties, cos when i’m in my thirties, i’ll realise that thats the best my body ever looked! so i’m appreciating the heck out of these curves of mine, because its downhill from here!

anywhoo, today as i was heading out of Nakumatt after lunch, i walked smack into this woman whose pants were so tight that her fertility was at serious risk. as in, one false move, FGM papo hapo. her outer genitalia were so clearly outlined that i had a good idea what she looked like without her clothes on. this disturbing phenomenon, ladies and gentlemen, is known as camel toe. if you don’t get it, google a camel’s feet…that should give you a graphic picture.

now this isn’t the first time i have seen this…there was this one chick at Q’s who could have comfortably gripped the cue stick with her labia. needless to say, my desire for those mshikakis ended there. i was talking to one of my friends about camel toe, and i happened to mention how gross i found that shit. as in seriously, why go to all the trouble of getting dressed if your vagina is happily waving to passers-by? then this dude, lets call him Triple A, shocked me by telling me that men find that quite hot, and didn’t understand why i thought it was so off-putting. let me put it this way. guys, witness those male athletes who run in tighter than tight shorts, with their packages right in your face. hot huh? NOT!!

poll time! lemme know..is camel toe hot??

why is it that…. November 12, 2008

one of the earliest things my mother told me when i was growing up is that if i was nice to people, studied hard, loved the Lord and basically walked in the light in a manner of speaking, all that good karma would rebound on me. (ok, not in those words, my mum probably thinks Karma is a city in Burma…but i digress)

so, like a good little girl, i lived by these wise maternal words, and got repeatedly shafted in the ass (figuratively, pervs!), by the same people i was trying to be a christian to. so back to the question at hand…

why is it that men have this God complex…thinking that because they were lucky enough to get in your pants, you are now at home clutching your pillow, sighing their name and planning a goddam future? get over yourself nucca. it was nice, but it was just sex! and i just may be regretting having carnal knowledge of your arrogant ass!

why is it that just because you have gotten this reputation of being nice and easy-going, people get the idea that they can walk all over your feelings? this ciru-wont-cause-ciru-wont-mind mentality is getting old. here’s a news flash. i have feelings just the same as you do. a little respect wont hurt!

why is it that people just straight up lie? and about shit they don’t even have to lie about! listen. i’m not your mother. your misplaced guilt has nothing to do with me. read a self-help book or something.

why is it that people get to know you, get under your skin…in a good way…and then bail on you? i mean, you tell me that you’re my pal, that you want to be there for me, show all this concern towards my well-being, then one little mutual mistake happens and you’re out the door? so why go through all that trouble? i don’t get it. they say life is a mystery, but this shit is just ridiculous!!

enough ranting for one day.

I am officially, a blogging whore. November 11, 2008

or slut, harlot, trollop, tart, slag….i could go on, but it becomes very disturbing if one knows more than ten ways to talk about those professionals. but i digress. this is my second blog. the first one bored me. see, i’m like a moderately intelligent 5 year old…shit only holds my attention for about a month before i’m off on some other project. heeey, maybe thats why my relationships don’t work! hmmmm. Freudian cartharsis right there.

aaaanywho, there’s this guy that i want for purely mercenary reasons. problem is, he’s seeing someone. so if anyone has a “how to slice in 6 months” manual, hook a sista up.

and another thing…i keep hearing about Karma…some ish about if i slice, it’ll come back to bite me in my (rather ample) behind. so i need an opinion…if i slice, will i be sliced in return?